Ted's Polish-Mexican Page

I went to see Fantastic Four last night. I liked it, but being the young curmudgeon, I had a few observations:

• Dr. Victor von Doom has been changed from a foreign potentate out to take over the world to a greedy CEO that is mad at Reed Richards. Makes the comic book battle to save the world into a Steven Segal revenge flick.
• I have been reading the comic since I was five, but I had no idea that the Invisible Woman was Mexican. Also, Alicia Masters is now black. I guess this makes up for them changing the reporter sidekick's race from black to white when they made Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
• Mr. Fantastic's stretching power is even more amazing than we all thought. They have some closeups of his bare arms when he stretches, and they stay just as hairy. When he stretches, he spontaneously develops new hair follicles so there will not be any unsightly gaps. I think I deserve a "no-prize."

• I realize that these things always become stunt and special effect extravaganza, but two of the car accident sequences in the movie are way too drawn out. It's like watching an old episode of CHiPs.
• Sue Storm comes off as a total bitch. Johnny Storm comes off as a total tool. Why would Reed and Ben hang with these people?
• Stan Lee has a cameo as Willie Lumpkin. I wish that Jack Kirby lived long enough to have his own cameo.
• Near the beginning, Dr. Doom tells Richards that he tends to "stretch things." Ho! Foreshadowing! So clever!
• Tag lines from the comic that make it into the movie: "It's clobberin' time!", "Flame on!"
• Tag line from the comic that didn't make it into the movie: "Oh, Reed, please be careful."
• There is no Herbie the Robot. God is merciful. This irritating character was introduced in the 1970s to replace the Human Torch on the cartoon because of a fear that kids would light themselves on fire.

Some bozo in USA Today reviewed the movie, and showed he was clueless about the genre, for example:

One of the movie's problems is timing. Because the quartet's superhuman skills remind you of the family's superpowers in last year's hit The Incredibles, Fantastic Four feels derivative and looks even more wan when compared with the exceptionally clever computer-animated movie.

Even though Fantastic Four's comic-book escapades long pre-date the adventures of The Incredibles, the predictable plot can't help but seem tired and rehashed.

Well, hate to tell you this sir, the writer of The Incredibles says that it was a tribute to Fantastic Four, his favorite comic. Fantastic Four debuted in 1963. I think somebody pointed this little temporal problem out to him, and he added the second paragraph so he wouldn't look so stupid.

Also, the author claims that Dr. Doom is a rip-off of Darth Vader. See above.


Because I haven't talked enough about jukeboxes, here is another item. I wasn't paying any attention to the music because I was too busy being beaten, once again, by Todd at pool (he is a swim coach, there has got to be a connection there). While in the rest room, the music shut off and there was a commotion. When I went back out, all of the patrons were either cheeing or jeering the bartenders.

I asked Jamie, one of my two favorite bartenders, what was going on.

She snapped, "Well, when you pick every song off of a Danzig album, I'm going to turn it off..."

There is a good reason why they call it the Surly Wench.


The Revs play Chicago today. Last week, they released Cassio and Felix Brillant. Both were fine players, but couldn't get much playing time given who else was on the team. The release of Brillant is the worst thing that has happened to my "all name" team since Stern John left the league.

The US Women play against Ukraine tommorrow. The game marks the return of Abby Wambach. Tiffany Milbrett is expected to score yet another goal to bring her closer to Mia Hamm's level. Expect a blowout, I think USA 4 - UKR 0.


Fall fan and Wesley Clark supporter Michael James Pinto posted this item to FallNet. Feel free to come up with your own metaphors about politics or consumerism.


Hasta la Proxima. Do zobaczenia.