Ted's Polish-Mexican Page: At Least It's Not Jack Edwards Quoting the "Battle Hymn of the Republic"

28 maja 2006

At Least It's Not Jack Edwards Quoting the "Battle Hymn of the Republic"

I get the Major League Soccer Direct Kick package, which means I could, theoretically, watch every darn game in the season. I don't. Yes, even I don't. I only watched three games yesterday.

The Direct Kick package shows the local broadcasts of the games, so I get to see who some of the local Fox affiliates think are soccer experts. Mostly, they are local sports broadcasters who like soccer (a rare breed indeed) and some ex-player or coach. Although, they seem to make some of these ex-players seem like bigger deals than they are. For example, watching the games where Ethan Zohn was doing color would leave one with the impression that he was the American equivalent of Franz Beckenbauer, instead of the journeyman player that played for two third division teams (oh, and the Zimbabwe first division!) and was never capped. Heck, at least Greg Lalas played some MLS games.

The best broadcasters seem to consistently be the ones for the New England games (Brad Feldman and ex-Rev and Mutineer Greg Lalas), although the Houston broadcasters are fairly good too, although the anchor seems to ask former San Jose defender John Doyle for explanations of the rules a bit too much. The worst are the Columbus broadcasts, which include embarassing-to-watch fawning "oh aren't these players so cute and fun when they are at home" segments at halftime.

But, all of these broadcasters fall into traps and sometimes can't say how they really feel. So, here is my guide to what they really mean:

When they say...	...they mean...
"The Chivas defense is at sixes and sevens."	"I heard that using British slang will convey soccer expertise."
"And he passes to Cobi Jones, the wily veteran."	"Is that guy STILL playing?"
"As a player, you've got to know you never do that."	"I hope no one remembers when I made that mistake and blew a huge game."
"The tension is rising in this game, and you will start to see more hard tackling like that."	"The referee is about to lose control of this game."
"Message sent!"	"The referee has totally lost control of this game."
"Well, he's from [Country Here], and they have a certain style of play there."	"I actually don't know much about soccer in that country, but I am about to make an overly broad and possibly racist statement."
"They haven't suffered from international call-ups."	"Nobody on this team is good enough to be called up for a national team, even that guy from Surinam didn't get called up."
"New York has always struggled; they need that final piece of the puzzle."	"The league has arranged for this team to get every big international allocation, and they haven't been close to winning anything, ever."
"This is a lot like a zone defense in basketball."	"My employers are under the impression that if I make comparisons to other sports, no matter how much of a stretch they are, fans of other sports will start watching."
"This team is still rebuilding and getting to know each other."	"Six games into the season, and they still haven't won."
"These fans are well known for their enthusiasm."	"These fans are well known for being drunks that hurl obscenities at anyone: players, ball kids, security guys, their own team."
"Thornton is a commanding presence in the box."	"Zach Thornton is a large black man."
"Expect them to fall into a defensive posture and maintain possession."	"Expect twenty minutes of keep-away."
"You can't expect a player like Carlos Ruiz to come back into the midfield."	"This arrogant goal-poacher plays for the team that pays me, so I have to make excuses for him."
"Beautiful build up, great pass, but Twellman just couldn't convert."	"Geez, Taylor, you blew ANOTHER shot?"